What to do if you’re grieving on Valentine’s Day

“Grief is always hard, be it from losing a partner, friend, job, home, or something else,” says Naila Francis, a certified grief coach and death midwife in Roxborough. “I think it’s because holidays have a way of amplifying our emotions,” says Francis, an ordained interfaith minister, Reiki practitioner, and poet. The media swamp us with images of candlelit dinners and scrumptious chocolates, but grief can make the day feel leaden.

On Valentine’s Day and throughout the year, we can take steps to navigate grief, Francis says. Philadelphia also has resources to shepherd us through bereavement.

Acknowledge your grief—and don’t try to fix it

Start by acknowledging grief, Francis says. “We may feel that if we allow ourselves to grieve, we may never come out of it, but it’s the other way around,” she says. “If you don’t let yourself feel it, you may become stuck in it.”

Our bodies know we’re grieving even if our minds deny it, according to a Mayo Clinic study: unacknowledged grief “is stressful on the body and can make a person more prone to illness,” the study says.

Grief isn’t something to be fixed, Francis emphasizes. “It’s a natural response to loss and change. You wouldn’t be grieving if you hadn’t lost someone or something dear to you.”

Accept that there’s no end-run around grief, says Dorothy Johnson Speight. After her son was killed over a parking space, she founded Mothers in Charge, a nonprofit that works to prevent violence and help those affected by it to heal. “Initially, I self-medicated, and that’s not the answer,” she says. “After you’ve drugged yourself, sexed yourself, and drunk yourself heavily, it’s still here. The grief hasn’t budged.”

Healing through nature

Solace may be as close as the nearest park, garden, or river trail, Francis says. “People may disappoint you, but nature’s always there,” she says. “She’s offering her abundance and wisdom. For example, many people believe that seeing a cardinal is a message of comfort from a loved one who has died.”

That approach to softening loss led to Grief Walk with Goats, sponsored by the Philly Goat Project’s therapy program. The Grief Walk, often led by Francis, happens once each season at the Awbury Arboretun (6336 Ardleigh Street), and it’s free. The next one will take place on Saturday April 5, 2025 from 12-2pm.

Along the same lines, award-winning gardener Nicole Chandler, profiled on 6ABC, leads healing events in West Philly’s Morris Park. “Nature doesn’t exist just for our pleasure,” Chandler says. “It’s also for the cleansing of our mental and emotional health. We must embrace that blessing.” Chandler’s grief workshop will involve sprucing up Morris Park, journaling, and drawing parallels between human life and nature. For details, email [email protected].

The power of touch and meditation

Don’t discount the healing power of touch. We may be touch-starved, especially if we’re living alone, Francis points out. In that case, a massage might be especially soothing on Valentine’s Day. “After a breakup last summer, I went for a walk with a friend. We sat down by the Wissahickon Creek, and she put her hand on my back. She didn’t say anything, but I felt comforted,” she remembers. “If you’re alone, maybe you can give yourself a hug and cocoon yourself in cozy blankets with a hot beverage.”

Guided meditations may assuage grief too, Francis points out. YouTube has many such videos, from a 10-minute one on self-love to the three-hour “Guided Sleep Meditation for Grief & Loss (People or Pets)”.

Other ways to engage with your feelings

If you feel moved to speak your grief, you could ask a close friend to listen, Francis says. “You might say, ‘I really need to share this. I don’t want you to fix or advise me.’ Sometimes we just need to be witnessed.”

Writing may also have a place in your grief toolkit. Writing a blessing or prayer for yourself or a poem can help ease you through the hardest moments. Francis often gives participants a prompt when giving grief workshops at Mt. Airy Learning Tree and Black Lotus Holistic Health Collective.

Not a writer? How about engaging your feelings by working clay at The Clay Studio in South Kensington? Clay may be a good choice if words to describe your feelings elude you. And even if you can name emotions like anger and grief, simply kneading clay can help release those feelings, according to Recipes for Wellbeing, a Swiss-based not-for-profit social innovation group that outlines an activity called “Catharsis through Clay”. Check the Clay Studio calendar for free workshops and events open to the public.

Likewise, beauty can see us through difficult moments, Francis says. It may help to watch the sunset, put cut flowers in a room, or visit a museum. A favorite piece of music may also offer solace.

Connection and inclusion

You might also consider ways to connect with your loved one. Possibilities include wearing a garment that belonged to them or sitting with a candle and writing them a letter, Francis says. “My [late] father and I had a difficult relationship,” she says, mentioning that he also had a sweet tooth. “Sometimes, to feel closer to him on his birthday, Father's Day, or any time I'm really missing him, I go to a café, order something sweet, and imagine he is with me.”

Finally, if you know someone will be alone on Valentine’s Day, you could include them in your celebration. “My mom’s [late] partner spoiled her,” Francis recalls. “He used to bring her big bouquets and take her to restaurants she’d been wanting to try.” Knowing about that relationship, Francis’s ex-partner suggested including her mom in their celebration. “We took her to dinner with us,” Francis says, “and she loved it.”

More help for folks who are grieving

Looking for more healing resources? Here are some Philly-centric options.

EMIR Healing Center, a nonprofit in Germantown, supports healing from trauma and grief.

GriefShare puts you in touch with support groups, both online and near you.

The Chestnut Hill United Church, “An inclusive, lgbtqi-affirming, antiracist, child-friendly United Methodist and United Church of Christ community” offers a “Singing Our Grief” program on Saturday, February 21, 2024 from 7-8:30pm. The gathering is sponsored by Salt Trails Philly, a collective that creates community rituals and gatherings to honor grief.

The Uplift Center for Grieving Children has free grief support groups for young people and their caretakers.

Little Bell Deathcare is a Philadelphia-based service for people preparing for or grieving the loss of companion animals.

Hospitals and religious organizations may offer grief support groups.