'The West Wing's' final season

DAN ROTTENBERG

Mar. 6— A Swiss oil tanker capsizes off the coast of South Dakota, sending West Wing staffers scurrying for their geography books.

Mar. 13— West Wing staffers work late into the night in desperate effort to restore Congressional funding for the administration’s Cheekbone Augmentation Program.

Mar. 20— Just before the Senate is to vote on a Supreme Court nominee with impeccable credentials, West Wing staff learns that the nominee is a former Mafioso endowed with a new identity by the government’s Witness Protection Program.

Mar. 27— Deputy Chief of Staff Josh Lyman and Deputy Communications Director Will Bailey are hospitalized after colliding at high speed in a West Wing hallway.

Apr. 3—Constitutional crisis looms following revelation that President Josiah Bartlet never publicly disclosed that he suffers from halitosis.

April 10— As the Chinese army invades California, Chief of Staff C.J. Cregg interrogates White House staff to find out who told a reporter that President Bartlet doesn’t care who wins baseball’s pennant races.

April 17— West Wing staffers work late into the night after special prosecutor subpoenas all records pertaining to the President’s purchases of mouthwash and breath mints.

April 24— Conniving Republicans in Congress pass bill making it a federal crime to interrupt conversations, crippling West Wing staff’s ability to function.

May 1—Washington Post, acting on tip from disgruntled former White House employee, reports that Deputy Communications Deputy Chief of Staff Josh Lyman does not belong to any recognizable minority group.

May 8— Lovable but ditzy West Wing secretary Donna Moss inadvertently provokes a Constitutional crisis by having a drink with a Senate page whose wife’s sister’s father-in-law was once the special prosecutor’s brother’s roommate.

May 15— Producers of “The West Wing” are sued for using “Lambert, The Sheepish Lion” as the program’s musical theme.

May 22— In surprise move, special prosecutor indicts White House Chief of Staff C.J. Cregg for violating federal wage-and-hour employment standards.

May 29— Having nothing much to do, West Wing staff members knock off early and go home, causing multiple personal crises when their families don’t recognize them.

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