The Pope's Tweets

When I learned that Pope Benedict had joined Twitter and would shortly issue his first tweet, I was excited to the point of epiphany.

At last somebody older than I, and probably even more out of touch with today's social networking culture, was joining Twitter. And a major A-Lister to boot— an A-Lister who, absent another Protestant Reformation, can't ever possibly be dropped down even one list.

I sense an opportunity to leap in and become the Pope's Twitter mentor and secure for myself the highest— and pretty much only— celebrity follower I've ever had. So here's what will greet the pontiff when he climbs aboard the Good Ship Twitter early next week:

@Pontifex WOOT! Welcome to Twitter, Your Holiness. Dig those vestments!

@Pontifex Since you are the #newbiepope on Twitter, I'd love to show you around. Remember this hash tag, and keep it holy.

@Pontifex Choose an avatar that makes you look younger than you are. Mine is 8 years old. If I were you, I'd add a few more decades. #newbiepope

@Pontifex Keep your Twitter profile simple. "God's Go-To Guy" way better than "God's Go-To Guy. Loves Lost, Thomas Aquinas, & chocolate chip cookies" #newbiepope

@Pontifex Are you related to the actor who played Cliff on "Cheers?" Oh, right, that's Ratzenberger. #newbiepope

@Pontifex Probably don't want to push the infallibility thing too much on Twitter. Everybody misspells occasionally and... get the picture? #newbiepope

@Pontifex Content is King. I mean... after you, Your Holiness! #newbiepope

@Pontifex That thing's called a mitre? Cool! Tweet about that! #newbiepope

@Pontifex Avoid getting too political on Twitter. I usually refrain from expressing my liberal, agnostic, and pro-choice views. You should too! #newbiepope

@Pontifex When you find a tweet funny, type LOL for laugh out loud or LMAO for... maybe it's best you just keep the laughter down. #newbiepope

@Pontifex Don't type LOL after your own tweet; it looks like you're laughing at your own joke. Not that I've any doubt they're way funny, Holiness! #newbiepope

@Pontifex Keep it clean. Occasional sexual innuendo is fine, but leave the dick jokes to the pros on Favstar. #newbiepope

@Pontifex Don't try to explain the old "Why does God allow evil?" on Twitter. 140 characters goes real fast. #newbiepope

@Pontifex Never tweet directly to @God, @Jesus, @Moses or variation of same & expect it to "get there." Hint: People like to screw around on Twitter. #newbiepope

@Pontifex OMG, I forgot to explain about OMG! #newbiepope

@Pontifex There's also something called WTF. You've heard about it? Right, Holiness, it is "fudge." #newbiepope

@Pontifex I wouldn't expect @KimKardashian, @ladygaga, & @justinbieber to all follow you back. But if they do, damn— maybe you really are da man! #newbiepope

@Pontifex I think you've got the hang of it. Don't forget you owe me big time. Remember I'm looking for new clients. Can you introduce me to the Holy Ghost?♦


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