News stories I’d like to see

That’s the question I asked in this space last year. (Click here.) To judge from recent events, the question bears repeating. So welcome to my second annual installation of “Unpredictable news stories I’d like to see in 2015.”

Cheney’s regrets

Former Vice President Dick Cheney said he was flabbergasted by the recent Senate Intelligence Committee report detailing CIA torture tactics during the George W. Bush administration.

“Their findings blew me away,” Cheney remarked on NBC’s Meet the Press. “Waterboarding, rectal feeding, hanging guys by their wrists, confining them in coffins, chaining them to concrete floors — who knew?”

After 9/11, Cheney explained, “We naturally panicked. We tried every crazy response to terrorism that you can imagine. Some of them worked, and some of them were disastrous. I see that now. But what good is 20-20 hindsight?”

Asked if he would do it all over again, Cheney replied, “Of course not. Life is about learning from experience. As Alexander Pope put it, ‘A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is but saying in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.’”

Asked specifically what he would do differently, Cheney replied, “Well, for one thing, I wouldn’t put tens of thousands of people in harm’s way in the Middle East while I hid out in my office. The people at the top should set the example. And it isn’t too late to start now.” Asked to elaborate, Cheney explained that he has signed up for combat duty with the Marines in Afghanistan.

“I urge the other architects of our Middle East policy — like George W. Bush, Don Rumsfeld, and Paul Wolfowitz — to join me in dramatizing just how strongly we feel about the continuing existential threat that Islamic terrorism poses to Western civilization,” he added.

Parkey’s excuses

After Philadelphia Eagles kicker Cody Parkey missed two critical field goals in a devastating loss to the Washington Redskins, Parkey’s teammates banded together in a rare show of solidarity to assure reporters that the muffed kicks were entirely Parkey’s fault.

“We’re out there suffering concussions and broken ribs; all he has to do is kick a football a few times in a game,” wide receiver Jeremy Maclin told reporters in the locker room afterward. “Is that too much to ask?”

Parkey, conversely, blamed a variety of factors other than himself.

“It was really cold and windy out there,” the rookie kicker insisted. “Also, the snap was high, the spot was off, and the protection I got from our linemen was execrable. On top of that, I had to cope with a hostile crowd. How was I supposed to concentrate on my kicks with all that noise?”

“Did I mention that my groin was killing me?” he added.

Putin’s new career

Borrowing a leaf from former U.S. President George W. Bush, Vladimir Putin announced that he is stepping down as president of Russia to become a painter.

“I’ve spent my whole career in public service,” Putin, 62, explained on national TV. “It’s time to recharge my batteries. I’m looking forward to the diverse challenges in our private sector, and also to spending more time with my ex-wife.”

Asked about his government’s unfinished business — such as the collapse of the Russian economy, the decline of the ruble, and his invasion of eastern Ukraine — Putin replied, “Politics is not the end of my life. It’s a chapter. Check back with me after I’ve had a little more time to live out this chapter. I think you ought to be open-minded as to where life takes you. If I look back to when I was 20 and somebody said you’d be president, I would have said no way. And I ended up being the president of Russia. It was an awesome experience, and I’m glad I did it.”

Asked about who would succeed him, Putin replied, “That’s not for me to say. Ultimately that’s up to Parliament and the Russian people.”