My favorite religious jokes

How will Philadelphia survive the Pope’s visit? The same way humankind has survived most of its crises: with humor. To help you endure Papal Week, here are some of my favorite religious jokes — Catholic and otherwise. (No Muslim jokes, though. If you know one, please let me know.)

Told by Rev. Terrence Toland, S.J., former president of St. Joseph’s University

The Pope convenes the College of Cardinals to make a special announcement.

“I have good news and bad news,” he tells them. “First the good news: Our gracious heavenly father Jesus Christ is returning to Earth for the Second Coming, at which time he will preside over a meeting of all Christian denominations, for the purpose of uniting them into a single Christian church.

“Now for the bad news: He wants to hold the meeting in Salt Lake City.”

Heaven and hell

Told by Jews and Protestants

A virtuous woman dies, goes to heaven, and finds everything she expected: picturesque landscapes, perfect sunsets, and infinite tranquility and serenity. Only one thing puzzles her: a high wall, far off in the distance, that climbs almost to the clouds.

“What’s behind that wall?” she asks one of the angels.

“Oh, that’s where we put the Catholics,” the angel replies. “They think they’re the only ones up here.”

*

Told by Catholics

A Protestant dies and, being a Protestant, goes straight to hell. There the Devil marches him down to the River Styx, where all the other Protestants stand waist-deep in mud and sewage. After assigning the new arrival to a spot in midriver, the Devil instructs him: “Stand here until the end of time and reflect on the enormity of the sin you committed by rejecting the one true faith.”

After the Devil departs, the new arrival turns to another Protestant standing nearby. “You know,” he says, “all things considered, this really isn’t so bad.”

“That’s what you think,” his new neighbor replies. “Wait ’til the Catholics come by in their motorboats!”

*

Told by Catholics, Jews, Muslims, and most Protestants

A sinner dies, goes to hell, and finds himself being escorted by the Devil along a dark corridor leading to a series of dungeons. As they pass the first dungeon, he peeks inside and sees thousands of people being whipped repeatedly and screaming in horrible agony.

“Who are they?” he asks the Devil.

“Those are Catholics who ate meat on Fridays,” the Devil explains.

They pass a second dungeon, where he sees thousands of shrieking people being stretched on racks.

“Who are they?” the new arrival asks.

“Those are Jews and Muslims who ate pork,” the Devil replies.

They come to a third dungeon where people are being boiled in oil and screaming even more horribly than the inmates of the first two dungeons.

“Who are they?” the sinner asks.

“Those,” the devil says, “are Episcopalians who ate their entrée with their salad fork.”

Suicide watch

Told by the comedian Emo Philips

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"

He said, "Why not? Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

*
True story

A few years ago I was invited to speak at Christ Church, the 300-year-old Episcopal congregation in Philadelphia’s Old City. On the night of my talk, Philadelphia suffered a downpour that soaked everyone who showed up. I sought out the church’s rector, the Rev. Timothy Safford, to complain.

“Can’t you do anything about this weather?” I asked.

Safford shook his head negatively. “I work in sales, not management,” he replied.

Ecumenical follies

Told by Jews.

A priest and a rabbi are flying together to an ecumenical convention. As the plane takes off, both men instinctively cross themselves.

“For the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost!” the priest explains.

“Wallet, cigars, spectacles, testicles,” the rabbi explains.

*

Told by Protestants and Jews

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister are flying together to an ecumenical convention. In mid-flight the plane encounters turbulent weather. The captain comes on the intercom.

“We’ve run into a major electrical storm,” he announces. “I don’t know if we’re going to make it. I urge each of you to pray in your customary manner.”

The rabbi chants: “Shma Yisroel, Adonai elohenu, Adonai echod!”

The minister sings: “Oh God, our help in ages past/ Our hope for years to come./ Our shelter from the stormy blast,/ And our eternal home!”

The priest recites: “Under the B, 7. Under the I, 22. Under the N, 39…”

*

Told by Jews

At an ecumenical religious conference, three panelists are asked where they stand as to when life begins.

“We believe life begins at conception,” says the panel’s Catholic priest.

“We believe life begins at birth,” says the liberal Protestant.

“We believe that life begins when the kids are out of the house and the dog dies,” says the rabbi.

In the confessional

Told in the 19th century

Paddy, newly arrived from Ireland, attends his first confession in New York. “What sins have you come to confess?” the priest asks.

“Ah, Father,” Paddy replies, “’Tis a terrible thing I’ve done. Blighted fair womankind, I have.”

“That is a serious sin, Paddy,” the priest replies. “Who was the woman?”

“Now, Father, I couldn’t tell you that,” Paddy replies. “It would be like betraying her all over again.”

“Only a full confession will cleanse you of your sin,” the priest admonishes. “And everything you tell me will be held in strictest confidence. So come on now — was it Mary from the Five Points?”

“Father, please don’t ask me.”

“Well, was it Kathleen from Hell’s Kitchen?”

“Father, I just can’t say.”

“Was it Sheila from Ninth Avenue?”

“No, no — I can’t speak her name, Father.”

The priest sighs. “Very well. Say three Hail Marys and put $2 in the collection box.”

“Thank you, Father, thank you,” Paddy says as he rises to leave. “Oh, and Father — thanks for all the good tips!”

*

Told by Jews

A priest invites his rabbi friend to join him in the confession booth. A penitent enters on the other side, saying, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned this week.”

“Very well,” the priest replies. “Say three Hail Marys and put $5 in the collection box.”

The next penitent says, “Bless me father, for I have sinned three times this week.”

“Very well,” the priest says. “Say three Hail Marys and put $10 in the collection box.”

At this point, the priest feels the call of nature. “Why don’t you take over for me while I’m in the loo?” he tells his rabbi friend. “You see how it works. Nobody will know the difference.”

Soon another penitent enters the booth. “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned twice this week,” she says.

“Go back and sin again,” the rabbi instructs her. “We’ve got a special this week: three sins for $10!”

Theological debate

Told by Jews

During the Reformation, the Pope was urged to banish nonbelievers from Rome, which would have involved removing Rome’s venerable Jewish community. The Pope resisted. “They’ve lived here for centuries,” he argued. “We can’t just kick them out.” But his advisers insisted that the Holy City must be rendered theologically pure.

“Well, let’s at least give them an opportunity to demonstrate their knowledge of Christian theology,” the Pope replied.

So an emissary was dispatched to the Jewish quarter to invite the wisest Jewish elder to discuss Christian theology with the Pope, on the pain of expulsion. The news threw the Jewish leaders into panic, since none of them knew anything about Christian theology. So they assumed they had no choice but to pack up and leave.

Their meeting was about to break up when a voice spoke up from the back of the room. “What’s the big deal?” said Moishe the tailor. “I’ll talk to the Pope.” The elders were startled, because Moishe knew nothing about Christian or Jewish theology. But assuming they had nothing to lose, they sent Moishe off to the Vatican.

Since Moishe spoke no Latin and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, their entire interview was conducted in sign language.

First, the Pope waved his arm back and forth over his head. Moishe responded by pointing to a spot on the floor at his feet.

Next, the Pope raised one finger of his right hand. Moishe replied by raising two fingers of his right hand.

Finally, the Pope reached beneath his priestly vestments and produced an orange. Moishe reached beneath his robe and produced a mazzah.

With that, the interview concluded. The Pope’s advisers rushed in to learn his verdict.

“These people must stay,” the Pope declared. “They’re totally conversant with Christian theology. First, I waved my arm to indicate that Christianity embraces the entire world; he pointed to the floor, in effect replying, ‘Yes, but its center is here in Rome.’

“Next, I held up one finger to indicate that we believe in one God; he raised two fingers, saying, ‘Yes, but you also believe in the Son and the Holy Ghost.’

“Finally, I produced an orange to indicate that the world is round; he produced a mazzah to suggest that it appears flat.”

Meanwhile, back in the Jewish quarter, everyone was preparing to leave when Moishe returned. “You can unpack your bags,” he announced. “I told the Pope a thing or two.”

Asked to explain, Moishe replied: “First, the Pope waved his arm to say, ‘The Jews will get out!’ I pointed to the floor, saying, ‘Oh no, you don’t — we’re staying right here!’

“Next, he pointed his finger at me, saying, ‘I’ll poke your eye out!’ I pointed two fingers at him, saying, ‘I’ll poke out both of your eyes!'

“And then we ate lunch.”