"Dear Friend": Messages from Donald Trump

In your March 30, 2018, message, you explain that you’re just following up on an email I received from your father-in-law, who also calls me his friend, even though I once described him as “a bullying, egomaniacal, juvenile, demagogic con man who possesses no discernible government qualifications.” Is he just turning the other cheek, as Jesus advised?

And why do your messages invariably ask me to send $1 to your father-in-law’s next presidential campaign? You explain: “We’re facing our FIRST FEC end-of-quarter deadline of the 2018 election year, and we still need to raise another $130,865 to ensure we hit our goal.”

But why does your father-in-law need to raise $130,865 every quarter from people like me to finance an election campaign that’s still two and a half years away? Isn’t he a billionaire who once pledged to self-finance his campaign so he wouldn’t be beholden to special interests?

You explain: “The mainstream media is going to compare our FEC report side-by-side with the Democrats’ and they’re desperately hoping to say that a blue wave is coming this November. But with your help right now, they will be blindsided once again just like they were on election night. We will prove to every LIBERAL talking head in the media that our movement is still alive.”

More questions than answers

OK, let me get this straight. You want millions of people like me to give you a dollar so you can create the impression that your movement is still alive? Where do you think I got my education, Trump University?

In closing, you ask, “Are you with us?” But that’s what I’m trying to tell you — I’m not with you. So why do you keep clogging my inbox?

Also, every time you write to me, you sign your note, “Lara Trump, Senior Advisor, Donald Trump For President 2020.” Which raises more questions. How’d you get that job? Through connections, a civil service exam, Craigslist, or what? Did you start out as a junior advisor and work your way up through the ranks? And who, exactly, paid for this message you sent to me and (presumably) millions of others?

That last question is answered not by you but by the teeny-tiny type buried below an ocean of white space at the very bottom of your message, where few people ever bother to scroll: “Paid For By Trump Make America Great Again Committee, a joint fundraising committee authorized by and composed of Donald J. Trump For President, Inc. and the Republican National Committee.”

One more question: What will the mainstream media think when they find out that this grandiloquently named committee operates out of the second floor of a building at 138 Conant Street in Beverly, Massachusetts?

Please give my regards to Eric. I feel almost as close to him as I do to you.

Your friend,
Dan

A new leaf

Dear Donald J. Trump,

Sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner. I’ve been swamped lately. With all you have on your plate, how you manage to write to me almost every day, including weekends, boggles my mind. No wonder you’re a billionaire and I’m not.

Your latest email message (March 31, 2018) seized my attention with its tender “friend” salutation. Since, as I pointed out last August, your circle of intimates is limited to those you can use or who want to use you, I was touched by your poignant appeal for my no-strings-attached friendship.

I was also captivated by your no-nonsense opening sentence: “I want to level with you.” I couldn’t help thinking: Finally! After all your fabrications about trade deficits, immigrant crime, the benefits of your tax cuts, your hands-off approach to women, “nonexistent” Russian interference — 1,950 lies in the first year of your presidency alone, compared to 18 for Barack Obama, according to the Washington Post’s Fact-Checker blog — you’re turning over a new leaf!

So what did you want to level with me about? “America needs more champions who will FIGHT for our agenda.” And you want me to contribute $1 to your campaign. What a letdown. All you want from me is my money!

The heading above your message says, “Authorized by Trump Headquarters.” But that teeny-tiny type buried below the ocean of white space at the very bottom of your message says: “Paid for by the Republican National Committee. Not authorized by any candidate or candidate’s committee.” I’ll level with you: Don’t let the Washington Post’s Fact-Checker blog find about this.

Still hoping to be your friend,
Dan

Renewing my membership

Dear Trump Headquarters,

Don’t you coordinate your email messages with Donald and Lara? Your March 30, 2018 message asks, “Are you still with President Trump, Friend?” As I’ve tried to explain to them (see above), I’ve been carping about Trump ever since the 1990s, when he invoked federal bankruptcy laws four times to stiff his creditors.

Then you tell me, “The President is asking you to renew your Sustaining Membership for 2018.” Membership in what? You don’t say. And how can I renew if I never joined in the first place?

You explain that I can renew my sustaining membership “with a contribution of just $1 for 2018 by 11:59 PM tonight.” Did you by any chance once hustle Veg-o-Matics on the Atlantic City boardwalk?

When I scroll farther down, I find another personal message from Donald Trump himself, informing me that I can renew my membership for $35.

Are you sure this guy is a billionaire? I mean, I’ve never seen his tax returns, but maybe, in the course of your due diligence, you have? If I contributed a dollar, could I take a peek at them too?

Eagerly awaiting your reply.

Best regards,
Dan