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Scourge of the dorks
Crisis at the Swim Club
Dan Rottenberg
In my mail the other day from Center City's popular summer in-town getaway, the Pine Street Swim Club:
Dear Member:
As I previously reported to you, the Board has worked extensively to provide for the long-term security of the Club. This work over the better part of the last year has focused specifically on our attempt to solidify our understanding of the various licensing and insurance issues involved.
The Board's work in looking to mitigate our ongoing risks began in earnest last summer and continued through as recently as Monday evening, when the Board met and voted on the matter. As of Monday night we approved certain changes in our insurance arrangements. This action was taken following the Board's consideration of all available information, including the work of outside counsel engaged to assist the Board in its efforts.
I refer of course to the ongoing problem of dorks at the Club. These hyperactive adolescent males, usually between the ages of 12 and 14, have become a growing concern in recent years, to the extent that our insurance carrier refused to renew our coverage unless they were banned from the premises.
Spilling sandwiches
A comprehensive survey by an outside consultant concluded that dorks are almost entirely responsible for stopping up the men's room toilets, urinating through the bushes on the morning yoga class by the kiddie pool, executing cannonball leaps into the pool just scant inches from the ladies' shallow-water exercise class, overturning trays of turkey avocado club sandwiches on the heads of dues-paying certificate holders, and, y'know, just generally engaging in dorky behavior.
I stress that the new ban does not apply to all adolescents. The Club continues to welcome jocks, hunks, geeks and nerds, just as it has in the past. Since our insurance coverage depends on our ability to distinguish these young men from dorks, it is important that all members understand the difference.
Dorks are characterized above all by their goofy grins, awkward body movements, swim suits worn several inches below their belly-buttons, and the excess baby fat that they haven't quite figured out how to shed. They can be observed punching each other in the arm, darting through the locker room, telling bad jokes, farting over the public address system, using expressions like "Cool!" and "Awesome!" and other forms of acting-out engaged in by boys who haven't yet figured out how to attract girls.
Enlisting Ed Rendell
Since we instituted the new policy, the Board has come under intense pressure from parents of dorks, who in lieu of hiring baby sitters or boning up on their parenting skills have routinely dumped their dorks on the club without adult supervision. These out-to-lunch parents seek our compassion, contending that dorkishness is merely a phase that most adolescents outgrow.
They have enlisted the services of Parents of Dorks, a national support and lobbying group, which has bombarded our Board members with testimonial letters from former dorks like Ed Rendell, Rick Santorum, George W. Bush, Bill Clinton and Newt Gingrich, all claiming that they now wear business suits and ties, pay taxes and haven't mooned anybody in at least five years.
Your Board, which consists of neither priests nor psychiatrists, finds this evidence unpersuasive as well as irrelevant. We're not interested in the future of these goofballs. The summer's almost a third over— we want to enjoy ourselves now.
Our outside counsel advises us that, as a private corporation, your Club is exempt from the laws of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. Consequently, as of June 1 any dorks spotted in the pool, the pool deck, the locker room, the game room or the restaurant will be shot on sight.
I would like to thank the Board, which put a lot of time into addressing this issue, and the membership for your patience. Pine Street Swim Club is a place we all love, and while it may not always be apparent to everyone, the Board is constantly working to mitigate risk and perform our jobs as fiduciaries to ensure the future of this great place.
Sincerely,
Dennis Finch-Hatton, Esq.
President♦
To read responses, click here.
Dear Member:
As I previously reported to you, the Board has worked extensively to provide for the long-term security of the Club. This work over the better part of the last year has focused specifically on our attempt to solidify our understanding of the various licensing and insurance issues involved.
The Board's work in looking to mitigate our ongoing risks began in earnest last summer and continued through as recently as Monday evening, when the Board met and voted on the matter. As of Monday night we approved certain changes in our insurance arrangements. This action was taken following the Board's consideration of all available information, including the work of outside counsel engaged to assist the Board in its efforts.
I refer of course to the ongoing problem of dorks at the Club. These hyperactive adolescent males, usually between the ages of 12 and 14, have become a growing concern in recent years, to the extent that our insurance carrier refused to renew our coverage unless they were banned from the premises.
Spilling sandwiches
A comprehensive survey by an outside consultant concluded that dorks are almost entirely responsible for stopping up the men's room toilets, urinating through the bushes on the morning yoga class by the kiddie pool, executing cannonball leaps into the pool just scant inches from the ladies' shallow-water exercise class, overturning trays of turkey avocado club sandwiches on the heads of dues-paying certificate holders, and, y'know, just generally engaging in dorky behavior.
I stress that the new ban does not apply to all adolescents. The Club continues to welcome jocks, hunks, geeks and nerds, just as it has in the past. Since our insurance coverage depends on our ability to distinguish these young men from dorks, it is important that all members understand the difference.
Dorks are characterized above all by their goofy grins, awkward body movements, swim suits worn several inches below their belly-buttons, and the excess baby fat that they haven't quite figured out how to shed. They can be observed punching each other in the arm, darting through the locker room, telling bad jokes, farting over the public address system, using expressions like "Cool!" and "Awesome!" and other forms of acting-out engaged in by boys who haven't yet figured out how to attract girls.
Enlisting Ed Rendell
Since we instituted the new policy, the Board has come under intense pressure from parents of dorks, who in lieu of hiring baby sitters or boning up on their parenting skills have routinely dumped their dorks on the club without adult supervision. These out-to-lunch parents seek our compassion, contending that dorkishness is merely a phase that most adolescents outgrow.
They have enlisted the services of Parents of Dorks, a national support and lobbying group, which has bombarded our Board members with testimonial letters from former dorks like Ed Rendell, Rick Santorum, George W. Bush, Bill Clinton and Newt Gingrich, all claiming that they now wear business suits and ties, pay taxes and haven't mooned anybody in at least five years.
Your Board, which consists of neither priests nor psychiatrists, finds this evidence unpersuasive as well as irrelevant. We're not interested in the future of these goofballs. The summer's almost a third over— we want to enjoy ourselves now.
Our outside counsel advises us that, as a private corporation, your Club is exempt from the laws of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. Consequently, as of June 1 any dorks spotted in the pool, the pool deck, the locker room, the game room or the restaurant will be shot on sight.
I would like to thank the Board, which put a lot of time into addressing this issue, and the membership for your patience. Pine Street Swim Club is a place we all love, and while it may not always be apparent to everyone, the Board is constantly working to mitigate risk and perform our jobs as fiduciaries to ensure the future of this great place.
Sincerely,
Dennis Finch-Hatton, Esq.
President♦
To read responses, click here.
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