An open letter to ISIS

Since I’ve lived through a few more wars than these politicians have, I can testify from experience that wars aren’t nearly as beneficial as their advocates claim, except maybe for novelists and filmmakers. Most of us know that if the Western world destroys you the way we destroyed Saddam Hussein and Al-Qaeda, some enemy even more terrifying will arise in your place that will make us yearn for the good old days of ISIS. So please — stop listening to our saber-rattling politicians and listen to me. I’m sure I speak for most Americans when I say that, between your brilliantly organized bombings, your videographed throat-slittings, and your calculated in-your-face cruelty, you guys have me scared shitless.

Granted, I was nervous long before you conquered a territory the size of Indiana. My therapist says I can’t handle adversity. I still take my teddy bear to bed. But it’s not just fear that drives my reaction to you. I’m genuinely impressed by your moral clarity, your stirring rhetoric, your logistical skills, your adroit use of social media, your designer flags, your awesome pecs, your rippling thighs, and above all your sophisticated grasp of theology. I speak as a journalist who has spent the proverbial three-score-and-ten years seeking answers to the mysteries of the cosmos, like: What are we? Why are we here? And how can print publications make money on the Internet? You guys, on the other hand, already know all the answers, and you’re still in your 20s!

Lessons from Chris Christie

Most of us Americans couldn’t tell the difference between Sunnis and Shiites if our lives depended on it. And what’s more, most of us don’t care. So if it keeps us from getting blown to kingdom come, just tell us where we can sign up for your global caliphate, so we can get back to watching reality shows and reruns of Law and Order and NCIS.

The missing ingredient in your terror campaign, you see, is persuasion. Most of us aren’t as antagonistic toward you as our leaders suggest. Remember what Lincoln said: “I destroy my enemy when I make him my friend.” You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. So why not reach out to us? The results may surprise you.

As you surely know, we Americans are preparing to choose a new ruler next year. Why not throw your turbans into the ring? As far as I can see, you guys are less frightening than Donald Trump or Ted Cruz, less delusional than Ben Carson or Carly Fiorina, more purposeful than Hillary Clinton, more inspiring than Jeb Bush, more mature than Marco Rubio, more energetic than Bernie Sanders, and way cooler than John Kasich. You’re not quite in Chris Christie’s league when it comes to terrorizing drivers on the George Washington Bridge, but hey — nobody’s perfect.

Arlen Specter’s slogan

If you’ve watched the debates so far, you know that we feel just as angry about the state of the world as you do. We have 500 cable channels and nothing worth watching. We have maniacs even nuttier than you shooting up our schools and colleges while our legislators and the NRA look the other way. The Phillies, Eagles, and 76ers are in the tank again for the umpteenth consecutive year. And global warming — now there’s something that could really send us back to the Dark Ages!

We Philadelphians can help you wage a nonviolent election campaign. Back in the ’60s a local ad man named Elliott Curson came up with a winning slogan for two underdog Republican candidates named Arlen Specter and Tom Gola: “They’re young, they’re tough, and nobody owns them.” It worked for them, and it’s perfect for you. Specter and Gola are gone, but Elliott’s still around. Instead of picking up an AK-47, why not pick up the phone and give Elliott a call?

Remember what John Adams said about how he must study war and politics so his children can study commerce and agriculture, in order that their children can study “painting, poetry, music, architecture, statuary, tapestry, and porcelain”? Well, if you let Western civilization voluntarily surrender to you right now, here’s your chance to skip the war and agriculture and dive right into the poetry and porcelain!

Assertive Quaker

The mind boggles to think of the constructive projects you’ll achieve when you can lay down your assault rifles and channel your energies in productive directions. You’ll probably balance our federal budget in no time. And once the synapses of your brains have grown together, a cure for cancer will be just around the corner too.

Look, I don’t want any trouble. I’m sure you don’t either. OK — maybe you want some trouble. But I can point you to a good therapist for that. And if your vision of the foreseeable future is a world in which I spend my days puffing on my hookah and answering the call to prayer five times a day while my woman and my slaves trail submissively five feet behind me — hey, if the alternative is my beheading, I can live with that.

You may encounter a bit more resistance from Broad Street Review’s editor, Judy Weightman, AKA the world’s most assertive Quaker. But since Judy holds advanced degrees in religious thought, I’m sure you and she will get along famously if you would only just sit down and chat with her.

So please — just tell us Westerners how to go about surrendering. Is this something we can handle online?