‘The Bachelorette’

This season, a lot of tears have been shed — by both Kaitlyn and the bachelors. There have been boxing matches and Sumo wrestling matches, as if actual battle for a fair maiden is still appealing to women. A lot of young men have said, “I love you” and been sent home. And all of that has been highly dissected the morning after.

But there’s an even more important discussion that isn’t going on about what’s happening on the show, and it has to do with the kinds of relationships that are emerging. Although this is called a reality show, we all know it is highly edited, and therefore it is hard to know whether what we’re seeing is the truth or a manipulated story line to hold our interest. The story line that the producers have chosen to put forth is not a narrative of love, but one of emotional abuse, abuse that is made to look acceptable.

Invisible damage

When we talk about abuse in relationships, we tend to think in terms of the black eyes, the broken bones, the anger. We think of alcohol and drugs and out-of-control football players and their women. We think of Cosby and Quaaludes and starstruck young women. But there is a form of abuse that is much more subtle, and while it may not lead to physical harm, it can be tremendously destructive.

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, nearly half of all women and men in the United States have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner. Among the signs of abuse, the site lists showing jealousy of friends and time spent away from the partner and preventing or discouraging the “loved” one from seeing friends or family members. It’s the kind of abuse that can be done with a smile and a gentle touch and can be ever so hard to escape.

This season, Kaitlyn and Shawn’s relationship shows these signs. While Shawn can’t control Kaitlyn’s time and how she spends it, he is so volatile that she spends a lot of time making sure that he is all right with whatever she does with the other bachelors, even when she doesn’t want to. It is clear that whenever she is not with him, Shawn reacts badly, stalking off or challenging the others. He talks to Kaitlyn when he can, he invades her private space, and he confronts her other suitors, particularly Nick, whose name he can’t even bear to say — except when he is trying to find out his room number, Nick is “the other guy.”

Needing a “strong” man

Kaitlyn both recognizes and is drawn into his manipulations. She wrote in her People magazine blog: “And, if I am honest (which clearly I am), I was scared of Shawn. I was worried he wouldn't be able to get through the hardest part of the journey and he would leave. I NEED a strong man, not physically (although it doesn't hurt) but emotionally. I was questioning my decisions and having a tough time understanding my actions and my feelings.”

She recognizes that something is not right, but like most who comment on the show, she attributes it to Shawn’s insecurities, and she worries about him instead of herself. Why she calls this love is unclear, but having accepted the idea that he is fragile and needs to be handled, she does everything she can to keep him from either leaving or exploding.

Kaitlyn is a flawed bachelorette, but not because she “went too far,” to use her own words, by sleeping with one of her suitors before the show-scheduled “Fantasy Suite” overnight date. Her flaws are that she overanalyzes and over-discusses every nuance of behavior, and appeases each of her suitors so they won’t leave her before she is ready to discard them. She has admitted that in her attempt to ease Shawn’s insecurities, she reassured him in a way that he took to mean that he was the front-runner, the ultimate choice. From that moment, he claimed possession of her.

This scene was not recorded, but both have agreed that it took place. However, Kaitlyn has said on camera several times that she felt it was a mistake, and Shawn willfully disregards her statements and continues to act as if she has made a commitment to him that she is now violating. Yet she continues to offer him rose after rose, which he reluctantly accepts.

Victim or villain?

The show’s numerous commentators and recappers are also calling Shawn insecure, as if that justifies his behavior. Even if he is, though, he is manipulating everyone — including, it seems, the producers — through his insecurities.

Is Shawn a bad guy? We know that the producers and editors have a lot to do with how we see the characters on a reality show, not only in how they edit the footage, but in how they manipulate people for maximum drama. (The Lifetime series UnREAL — cocreated by a former Bachelor producer and airing immediately after each week’s Bachelorette — shows the backstage machinations.) And Shawn has become the designated problem on the show.

What will happen next? Is Shawn in till the end of the show, or will he be sent home this week? I don’t know. But I do have some advice for Kaitlyn if she plans to keep him around:

Think about what it would mean to live forever with someone who always needs to be reassured. Think about how this limits your life and your choices. Do you really think when the show is over that this is someone who would let you forget everything that has happened? Or will he always hold you hostage to the past?

And if you do choose Shawn as your forever mate, I hope you’ve booked a spot on the Dr. Phil show, or, like previous Bachelor Juan Pablo and his fiancée Nikki, on Couples Therapy, since you will clearly need some help.

But the best advice I can give you is: Run, Kaitlyn, run as fast as you can, even if it means you wind up alone at the end of the show. It is far better than a lifetime of regrets.

Editor's note: In the season finale, which aired July 27, Kaitlyn accepted Shawn's proposal of marriage.

In the 2015 Fringe Festival, Butter & Serve Theatre Company staged a reaction to The Bachelorette titled Slaughter/ette. You can read Alaina Mabaso's review of that piece here.