Fall 2014 TV preview

The Fall TV New Shows parade is now upstaged by mid-season rollouts and the return of hit shows whose schedules are a little less convoluted than Middle East peace negotiations. Then there’s the fact that you can watch anything at any time — that many viewing choices have been proven to cause brain freeze in mice.

So we have prepared a list of the Best of the Best so you can skip the drudge and watch the fudge. Some of these shows are not yet ready for prime time, so let’s see if you can separate the real from the surreal.

1001 KNIGHTS: Masterpiece Theatre transports us to the 12th century, where the Tawdry family must struggle to keep the castle safe from bands of tax collectors and upstart liverymen.

CEREAL KILLER: A young boy is suspected of killing his classmates during their morning recess but his mother — who’s also the chief of police — knows it can’t be true and hunts for the real cereal killer.

DOPES: A former prosecutor of the Wall Street gang is named head of the Drug Enforcement Agency and every week hunts down the international drug cartel and forces a major drug dealer to pay a large fine. Ouch!

DRONED: When Farah’s ISIS-member parents immigrate to the United States and drop in to live with her and her family, the sparks fly!

FOREVER: A NYC medical examiner can't die, so he studies the dead to discover the mystery of his own immortality. The real appeal (for that most important 18-40 female demographic, anyway) is that in each show, he gets killed — but always comes back, naked. Yes, naked, or at least as naked as a man can get on a major broadcast network.

HAPPYLAND: Teen drama exposes the soapy inner workings of a popular theme park, revealing the less-than-magical reality of what goes on behind the scenes. Oh no, is that Mickey taking Goofy to get fixed?

HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER: A tough-as-painted-nails law school professor teaches her students the subtleties of the legal process, such as (see title).

INTRUDERS: In a why-did-I-ever-leave-home saga, a former big city cop relocates to a small coastal community in search of a quieter life, but then his wife vanishes and he discovers a secret society whose members chase immortality by seeking refuge in the bodies of others. It’s Jaws meets Dracula.

JANE THE VIRGIN: A virgin gets pregnant when she is accidentally artificially inseminated by her gynecologist. Does she keep the baby? What if the sperm specimen belonged to a cancer survivor? And is it her former teenage crush’s sperm? Who is also her new boss!

KAKEWALK: A tough-as-painted-nails PI is the flavor of the month for beyond-your-wildest-dreams rich families who want their problems (sons who rape co-eds, fathers who rape co-eds, uncles who…) solved under the radar.

KINGDOM: Family drama set in the bruised and bloody world of mixed martial arts. The father is a legend in the sport looking to develop the next generation of fighters, while estranged drug-addicted mom battles her own demons and their two sons battle to take dad’s place as top kick.

MARRY ME: Since sex now happens at “Hello” for most couples, it’s the marriage proposal that must be special. The couple in Marry Me just can’t get it right, so each week, we see them screw up another attempt to tie the knot.

THE MCCARTHYS: A loudmouthed, sports-crazy Boston family (they go together like hot dogs, mustard, and relish) is disrupted when the patriarch asks his gay, sports-averse son to be his assistant basketball coach (man-to-man coverage, anyone?).

MIRROR MIRROR: Ex-CIA agent is hired by the government to find and stop hackers who expose government spying programs — but he turns out to be a double agent spying on the government for the hackers — and his girlfriend is a double girlfriend working for the Feds and spying on him — and her kindly old grandfather is a double too, a former Weatherman working for the hackers, and. . . . Just don’t miss an episode!

OWHATDOWECARE: In this reality show, patients with potentially terminal diseases are paired with actual medical insurers and have to get the care they need to survive. The last one alive, and not forced into bankruptcy, wins.

OUR FATHER: Two former altar boys head a team to root out child sex abuse.

RED BAND SOCIETY: Kids in a hospital ward face the problems that usually only come with old age and years of stuffing, smoking, drinking, and never thinking about tomorrow — but these kids get to suffer the diseases before they enjoy the pleasures of getting the diseases.

SEASON OF THE BITCH: A tough-as-painted-nails ex-marine general is named the first woman Secretary of Defense as she juggles her career responsibilities of droning on and on with a personal life that makes Syria look like Disneyland.

STALKER: LAPD cops stalk, watch, and seem weirdly obsessed with stalkers, voyeurs, and obsessed weirdos who target women, so that the audience can feel the thrill of stalking, watching, and obsessing on women, too.

STARBUCKS: In the first above-board tie-in with a major brand, NBC gives us a show about a lonely barista who, every week, solves the grande problems of his caffeinated clientele.

UPSIDE DOWN: This ’60s-set romcom is about two gay guys who love each other, but as a cover marry two gay gals (ditto) to keep their true loves a secret — and then one couple gets pregnant!

VAROOM: Dirt bike legend Tom Turbine forces his daughter to have a sex-change operation and take his place as the #1 dirt biker in the world — only she fakes the operation and continues her affair with Dad’s biggest rival.